


Remembering to Breathe

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-10-09
Updated: 2002-10-09
Packaged: 2019-05-15 22:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14798990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: This is the sequel to "The Tears We Cry".  CJ and Toby bring Emily home but their grief for Will is tearing them apart.





	Remembering to Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Remembering to Breathe**

**by:** Jade  


**Category/Pairing:** CJ/Toby, Angst  
**Disclaimer:** As usual I don’t own any of the characters except for William, Emily.   
**Rating:** YTEEN  
**Summary:** This is the sequel to ‘The Tears We Cry’.  CJ and Toby bring Emily home but their grief for Will is tearing them apart. 

* * *

Today is our first day home, CJ hasn’t spoke a single word to me for the past three days.  It all started when they came and took Will away, she wouldn’t let go of him.  “Toby please, I won’t let them take Will, please I can’t just let him go.”  I didn’t say anything, I just watched as they took him away.  CJ was hysterical, eventually I managed to calm her.  “I will never forgive you for that.”

I know that she won’t but I didn’t know what to do.  I wanted Will just as much as she did and it hurts me just as much that he’d dead, but I can’t just cut myself off from everything the way that CJ has, someone has to look after Emily.

I take Emily out of her car seat and carry her inside the house, I fully expected that CJ would follow me but she is still sitting in the car.  What the hell am I meant to do, it kills me to see her like this.

*CJ POV

The car’s stopped I guess we must be home.  I watch him carry Emily inside, I can see how much pain he’s in.  I know how much I am hurting him but he let them take Will away from me.  I wasn’t ready to let him go, I could have had him for 18 years and I still wouldn’t have been ready.

I try to get out of the car, but instead I just move to the driver seat.  Next thing I am driving I don’t know where I am, nothing is familiar but it doesn’t matter I’m free, as long as it’s just me I can forget about how I killed my son.  Maybe I should kill myself, I would in a second if it meant that Will could live.

It’s suffocating, I can’t breathe and I have no Toby to help me.  I have never felt so lonely in my life.  And it’s only going to get worse, because one day Toby will realise that it was all my fault and then he’ll take Emily and leave.  Maybe that’s what I deserve, why did I have to be so bloody stupid?  

I stop the car, and just walk I still don’t know where I am going but I can’t look back.  Hours must have passed by now, it’s starting to get dark.  Usually I would be scared at the idea of being lost but guilt has total control over my feelings, it doesn’t leave room for anything else.

*TOBY POV 

Oh god where is she?  I shouldn’t have left her.  If anything happens to her I will never forgive myself.  I need to find her.  I need to find somebody to watch Emily for a while, I call Donna knowing that she will come.

I don’t know where to look so I drive, constantly looking from left to right.  I end driving to work, I don’t know why but I expect to find her here.  I take the stairs two at a time until I reach the communications bullpen.

She’s standing in her office, I close the door behind me.  “CJ you can’t just go off like that!”  I grab her arm and twist her round so that she is facing me.  She’s crying, all the anger I felt just seconds ago dissolves and my words leave me, all I can do is pull her into my arms and hold her.  “I was worried about you.”

She doesn’t say anything, not even an apology, what did I expect I honestly don’t know anymore.  I know that I can’t reach her, me, her husband and I can’t save her I can’t even get her to talk to me.  I can’t take away her pain and I can’t even begin to deal with my own.

“How long are you going to keep this up?  CJ if you’re mad shout, scream, hit me for Christ’s sake just don’t shut me out.  He was my son as well CJ, and I’m hurting too but I have to put my grief on hold to look after Emily!  Do you think I wanted them to take him? I can’t bring him back for you, I would do anything for him to be here with us, but I can’t god CJ ….”  I want to say more but I can’t, it doesn’t matter she still won’t talk to me.

“It’s all my fault, I killed him.  I should never have gone off like that but I didn’t know that Sam was coming.  Please Toby, just don’t hate me, I can’t lose you too please Toby.”

“CJ it wasn’t your fault, no listen to me this has to stop right now, I won’t have you blaming yourself for something you had absolutely no control over, please CJ you can’t think like that.”

“All I want is to hold him, I just wanted to hear him cry just once, that would have been enough.  It hurts so much, sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe.”  I stroke her hair as I cry into it.

“I know, and it is always going to hurt, it hurts because you, because we loved him so much, but in time the pain will ease.”

“I don’t want it to ease I don’t just want to forget that he was ever a part of me.”

“Honey that will never happen, you will never forget about Will, neither will I, I just meant that in time you won’t have to keep remembering to breathe it’ll just happen all by itself.” 

CJ looks at me, she smiles slightly even though it’s only for a few seconds it was long enough for me to see it.  It gives me hope I guess that she know that she isn’t alone in all this, I’ll always be there with her.

She has picked up one of the picture frames off her desk, it’s a recent picture of me and her, I am kneeling by her with my ear against her stomach.  She starts to cry as she looks down at the picture.  “I want him here, I want to see him, hear him anything but the silence is killing me, it doesn’t stop.  I just wanted to see him open his eyes and look at me….Toby.”

What can I say to her?  I loved Will from the moment I saw him but CJ had loved him for nine months, she had waited to see him for nine months and now she doesn’t have him and I feel inadequate to help her.  “I love you CJ Ziegler more than I have ever loved anybody, just remember that please.”

Eventually I get her down into the car, we are both silent on the drive home.  My thoughts are consumed with CJ but I know that I don’t even feature in hers.  I just concentrate harder on the road.

*CJ POV

I watch him as he drives, but he doesn’t see me he is immersed in the road.  All I can think about is him, I hate myself that Will isn’t always on my mind.  But more and more Toby monopolises my thoughts and I can’t even tell him.  I just wish that I could hold him knowing that he still loves me.

He is still absorbed in the road, he can’t bring himself to look at me that’s how much he hates me.  In the office when he told me he loved me I believed him but the closer we get to home the more unsure I am.  I am pulled from my reverie by him reaching for my hand, we entwine our fingers holding on tight so that we don’t lose each other.

A baby crying wakes me from my sleep, I run to the nursery hoping to find Will there but he isn’t.  I look at my daughter crying.  I’m scared to pick her up in case she disappears too.  I stroke her whispy brown hair, she settles knowing that I am here for her.  I sit in the nursing chair and watch the steady rise and fall of her tiny chest.

I think about Emily, she looks like Toby but not an exact copy in the way that Will was, she has the same colour hair as me.  My heart swells with the love that I feel for her.  I remember a conversation that I had with Abbey when I first found out that I was pregnant.

“As prepared as you think are, you can’t even comprehend the capacity you have to love someone.”

When I am sure that she is asleep I make my way back to bed.  I climb in keeping as far away from Toby as possible, I know that he doesn’t want to be anywhere near me, he says he doesn’t blame me but I know that he does, I know that he hates me.

*TOBY POV 

She thinks that I am asleep but I’m awake I haven’t slept for the past four days, I move over to her and take her in my arms, she tenses at first but she relaxes eventually.  She is slipping further away from me everyday.

  

Emily’s crying wakes me at 5.  I go to her bassinet, I just look at her it’s all I can do, I know that it isn’t me she’s crying for, she wants CJ, I want CJ.  Carefully I pick her up and start to walk around the room with her.  “Hey honey I know you want Mommy but Daddy is going to have to do for a while.”

“I’ll take her.”  CJ comes from the corner of the room, I didn’t know she was there.  She has been crying, she has angry red marks on her cheeks.  I pass Emily to her not entirely sure what is going to happen next.  “It’s ok Emmie, Mommy’s here, ssh baby.”

Emily immediately settles in CJ’s arms and is soon fast asleep.  Ally kisses the top of her head gently.  “I love you Emily Ziegler.”  I feel a tear trickle down my cheek, it wouldn’t appear as anything big to an outsider but to me it means that I can finally let out that breath that I have been holding in since the accident, I’m not so scared about losing CJ anymore.  Emily isn't just our daughter, she’s our saviour.

*CJ POV

It feels so natural holding her like I have been doing it all my life, I know that she isn’t going to disappear she’s here to stay, nothing is ever going to take my daughter from me.  “Toby, I’m…I, I’m sorry, I love you so much.  Will you forgive me?”

He doesn’t answer me but I can see that he is smiling.  “You really should try and get some more sleep before she wakes up again.”  I am tired but I don’t want to be alone so I hold out my hand to him.  He takes it and we walk to our room, to our bed.  This time when he holds me I melt into his embrace, there is no escape from the pain I feel but at least I’m not suffering alone.

*TOBY POV

Today has been the worst day of my life, today me and CJ buried Will.  I feel like I am never going to be able to stop crying.  Sam and Josh carried his white coffin, I wanted to do it by myself but CJ had begged me to stay with her all day.  I couldn’t say no.

The service passed quickly it was all too soon that I was going to the front of the church to speak.  “I….I, Will I held you praying that I could see your eyes just once, now I know that once would never have been enough, I only got to experience you for nine months, but you brought so much joy in your short life, you were a blessing and a miracle.  I don’t think that I ever experienced such intense love before you and Emily were born, so thank you for all your gifts I love you so much, mommy and daddy will never forget you.”

I don’t remember anything else except for watching the coffin go into the ground.  I knew then that Will was in his final resting place and it hit me like a sledgehammer in the chest that he was gone.

*CJ POV

I saw how he cried as the coffin went down, I reached for his hand but he was too far away.  I wanted to stop them when they started filling in his grave, it seemed so final and all I could think was that he wasn’t going to be able to breathe.

Toby has been distant all day, I understand that he is grieving I just never realised how much he was.  I have been too consumed with myself to notice anything but I am going to change, I am going to be whatever Toby and Emily need me to be.

If Toby needs me to be strong then I will be, I’ll hold him while he cries the way that he has held me.  I reach for his hand again, this time I move forward and whisper in his ear.  “It’s ok honey, I’m here.”  I pull him into my arms, I look over his shoulder and see Abbey and the President, she’s crying while he’s holding her and all my other friends they are crying too.  Abbey looks at me then motions for people to start heading back to the cars, I thank her silently.

He cries harder knowing that there is no one around.  “I love you Toby Ziegler.”

I watch as he desperately tries to compose himself and I love him even more for it.  “We should go everyone will be waiting.”

“Toby people will wait, they understand, we can stay here as long as you want.”  I softly run my fingers through his hair, he catches my hand as I bring it back, and he kisses it softly.  He pulls me closer to him, he moves forward to kiss me hesitating slightly before our lips meet.

We break apart, I rest my forehead against his and stare into his eyes.  “I think that I am just about ready to face everyone, even your father.”  We laugh together for the first time since the accident.  He knows full well that my Dad likes him.

“And there was me worrying about your mom, but are you sure like I said they’ll wait and besides they will be too busy with Emmie to notice that we aren’t there.”  We smile again.

*TOBY POV

She was right everyone was fussing around Emily, everyone was asking if they could be next to hold her.  My mom is holding her at the moment, I move over to them to reclaim my daughter.  “Hi mom, Emmie you ready to see daddy?” My mom gently passes her into my arms, she then kisses me on the forehead before going to see CJ.

I look around at everyone, they have all been crying even Leo.  Josh walks over to me and gently strokes Emily’s head.  “I wanted to thank you for the camera, I can’t remember where we put it but I’m sure CJ will know.”

“It’s not important.”  Josh is completely infatuated with Emily, he hardly notices that I am there at all.  I look around for CJ, she is talking to Abbey and Donna she smiles every now and then but she is thinking about something other than the two people in front of her.

She looks up and spots me staring at her, she smiles at me, that special smile that she reserves just for me and my heart feels lighter.  “Josh would you like to hold her?”  He accepts and tentatively takes her in his arms.  As I start to walk towards CJ “If you need me I will be with CJ ok.”

“Hey honey how are you doing?”  She takes my hands in hers I shrug in answer to her question.  She turns round to face her friends pulling me into their circle.  I stay listening to their conversation but never taking part in it, I just want them all to leave us alone.  I know that sounds selfish and ungrateful but I need for today to be over.

*CJ POV

Abbey and Donna excuse themselves to fetch a drink, I look at Toby, wanting him to speak to me, needing for him to speak to me.  “Tobyy talk to me, you know your mom wants to talk to you she’s worried.”  The flash of anger in his eyes at the mention of his mother disappeared as quickly as it had come but I had seen it.  I tighten my grip on his hands trying to get him to look at me.

Toby and his mother have a strained relationship to say the least.  The first time I met her was on our wedding day where she turned up completely unannounced at the church only to leave after the ceremony.  She came to visit me when I was about five months to offer her congratulations, I had asked her to wait for Toby to come home but she wouldn’t.  So today is the third time I have ever met her.

I look around the room to see if I can find her, she is standing alone by the piano.  Walking over to her I send Toby to find my father, he brings him over to us.  “Daddy this is Olivia Ziegler, Toby’s mom.”

“Hi it’s nice to meet you again.”  My father looks to me trying to remember where he has ever seen this woman before.  “I say again I saw you at the wedding but we were not introduced.”

Toby has moved behind my father in an attempt to try and get away.  “Don’t worry I’ll go and get Emmie you stay here.” He recognises that I am ordering him more than making a suggestion.  With that I leave them to go in search of Emily.

I find her in the arms of Sam perfectly content.  Ainsley is fussing over her.  “Sorry to interrupt but it is time for her nap.”  Sam sighs as I take Emily.  “If it you makes you that unhappy you should get one of your own.”  I joke.  I leave the couple contemplating over what I have just said.

In the safety of the nursery I lay Emily down in her bassinet, I sit beside her stroking her cheek until she falls asleep.  “Is she asleep?”  Toby comes and sits beside me, I rest my head on his shoulder and his wraps his arm around my waist.  

“Yeah she’s out maybe for a full thirty minutes if we are lucky.”

“I think that I should stay and watch over her.”

“There is no way that you are hiding away in here, she will be fine and the monitors on.”  I joke but something in his eyes tell me that this is what he needs.  “I suppose one of us has to play hostess.”

“Thank you.”  He whispers his gaze fixed on Emily 

 I really don’t know if I should write another part.  So this will have to do until I decide. 


End file.
